What am I doing here?

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Moving day

Yesterday was moving day. A day that I have dreaded for the past few years, but one that had to come no less. My Granny has moved into a skilled nursing facility, or as most people think of them a nursing home. I am having a really hard time with this move. She has been staying with her nephew and her sister for the past few years, about an hour or so away from her family. Her sister died in May and Granny has gone downhill since then. She has Alzheimers and senile dementia. Those are just the things in her head, she also has osteoarthritis and some other physical ailments. She still knows everyone. The big A has not robbed her of that yet, but it has made her very mean at times and she thinks that everyone is stealing her stuff. At times she seems to have it all together and then there are times she just doesn't. Anyway, she wasgetting aggravated with her nephew and her sister's other children and decided she was ready to come back home and go into the nursing facility.

I have always loved my Granny. When I was little, she was one of my favorite people. I spent nearly every weekend at her house. When I was sick I wanted my Granny. When I was out of school for the summer I was at her house. When my dad died when I was eight, she moved next door to help Mom look after us kids and I moved in with her. She taught me the importance of hard work and the value of a dollar. She also taught me to look for bargains and always shop the clearance racks first. Anything she has ever had, she always said it was mine. I am afterall her favorite. The few years that she spent at her sister's I called her every week and just let her talk and I tried to keep her updated on what was going on with her family.

But being her favorite comes with a price. I got the pleasure of going to pick her up yesterday for the long ride to her new home. I think it helped having the babe with us. He takes the uneasiness out of a lot of situations! I was a nervous wreck yesterday. I did not sleep well Thursday night just anticipating the move. I was off work and had a few errands to run so it was a little after lunchtime when I got there to pick her up. Of course it was raining and extremely windy from that lovely tropical storm Faye. What a wonderful day to be moving! We got to the facility and I met the admissions lady that I have spoken to so much over the past week she knows my voice on the phone. She hugged me when she met me. She knew how this was affecting me. I am sure in her job she deals with this a lot! She took us around and we got to meet Granny's new roommate, a very spry and extremely nice 91 year old lady. She said she was happy to have a roommate and someone to talk to and walk to the dining room with. We had thought about getting Granny a private room, but she has a tendency to get depressed and not come out of her room, so we decided at least with a roommate she would not be alone. After we met her roommate we toured the rest of the facility and met most of the daytime staff. They have a physical therapist, dietician, cosmetologist, and an activities director. Of course they also have RNs and CNAs and a doctor and a PA that are there everyday to check on the patients. Everyone was so nice. She will start her physical therapy sessions on Monday and we are hoping that will help her blood pressure and her feet and legs swelling. They have an aquarium and a huge bird enclosure with about a dozen small birds. There is also a big screened TV in the commons area and we are getting her TV hooked up for her in her room, so she can watch what she wants. It really was not as bad as I had imagined. It has been years since I have visited anyone in a nursing home. My other grandmother was in an assisted living facility and it was a little nicer that where Granny is at, but it also cost a lot more and they do not accept insurance or Medicare. Mom and I got her settled in and put her clothes away and made up her bed. I brought her a quilt from my house and a pillow in a sham to help dress up her bed when she isn't in it. The babe picked out a stuffed elephant for her to put on her bed and sleep with. We got her room all squared away and then we walked her down to the dining room. The do not have a seating chart, but you know how old folks are, they are set in their ways, so after they pick somewhere to sit, that becomes their spot. We asked the dietician where she needed to sit and she was seated at a table with 5 other people. We told her goodbye and left her in the dining room. She told us right before we left that she was fine. At that point it was me that wasn't okay. I did not let her see me cry. I cried all the way back to her room. Mom and I walked out to our cars together and my heart just felt so heavy.

I can reason with myself and tell myself that she is fine and that she is better off there, but a huge part of me feels so guilty for putting her there. There just is not anyone in our family that could deal with her on a daily basis. As much as I love her, I can only take her in small doses. I just cannot take on another person to take care of that would need someone here 24/7 with her. I will have her phone hooked up next week and we will get cable hooked up to her TV. I just want her to be comfortable in her new "home".

Labels: Granny, moving

Saturday, August 09, 2008

What a mess.

We have a major family problem going on now. I was so upset when my sister got pregnant. I have not spoken to her since Christmas. Some people just told me to let sleeping dogs lie, but I just could not stand to even look at her or be around her. Her sweet little angel girl was born on Monday on my sister's birthday. What a birthday present! Only after I went to the hospital to visit did I learn that she and the baby tested positive for drugs. I cannot even begin to express my feelings on the matter. I am working on it, but I am not quite there yet. My mom and oldest sister have the baby for the time being. I am just taking everything one day at a time and watching how this whole situation is going to unfold. Personally I think she needs to be in jail with the baby's daddy and the baby needs to go to a family that will love it and that actually want a baby. I will update later as things unfold. Please just keep my family in your thoughts and prayers as we all deal with this mess.

Labels: baby, mess

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Sickness

I am so sleepy today. The babe has some sort of cold or allergy thing going on and it is making all of us just miserable. Anytime has has nasal drainage it gags him and makes him throw up. Then he starts crying, which only worsens the situation. I think I slept for maybe 3 hours last night, in 1 hour increments of course. I got the most sleep sitting on the living room floor holding the babe in my lap propped up on tons of pillows. It was not comfy at all, but at least I was able to close my eyes. He has started sneezing this morning which is good because it is getting the gunk out of his head. Everytime he sneezes he yells, "YUCK, NASTY!" Unfortunately for everyone else in our house when the sun came up this morning my sweet little sick boy felt it was the perfect time to start his day, since he hasn't been able to sleep anyway. I think I will wait until Hubby gets up and quietly sneak off to the bedroom for a nice long nap. We had planned to take the babe to see Wall-e today, but we will just have to wait and see how he is feeling later. I know right now he seems okay, but who knows in a few hours how he will be feeling. I am sure just like everything else, this too shall pass.

Labels: babe, sick

Saturday, June 07, 2008

My little boy

I am sorry that I am such a bad blogger. My life is just so busy that most of the time I have a hard time making time for the things that I enjoy, such as blogging. Anyway, I have not written about the babe in a while so I thought I would update you on his growth and the many milestones that he has passed. He is such a big boy, bot fat, just tall. Actually we have a hard time finding clothes that fit him in the waist and the length. He is slim and tall. He was tall enough (over 3') on vacation to ride in the go cart with me on the wooden track. He had this look on his face but never said that he wanted to get off and he did not cry. I kept my hand on his leg the whole ride and kept asking if he was okay and he was, at least he said he was!

He is so very smart too. He outsmarts us sometimes. He requires an answer to all of his questions, and if you don't give him an acceptable one, he just keeps asking. He knows all of his ABCs by sight and the song. He can also tell you what letter certain words start with. He can read letters off of signs or in books. We are constantly amazed by him. He can carry on a conversation with people. He loves to tell everyone that will listen about his latest toy, whether it be a monster truck or his new best friends from Kung-Fu Panda. Sometimes I wonder where he comes up with this stuff, but I am sure that he has heard it somewhere and just stored it in that huge brain of his. He can "read" books that we have read to him. He can tell you things that happen in movies and on TV shows. We try not to watch too much TV, but it is usually on in the background of our life anyway. At least he is picking up good things from it! He can also count to 20 and beyond. For some reason he has some aversion to the number 6. He usually skips it, but if you show him the number 6 written he knows what it is and where it goes in a sequence. He loves to talk on the phone and he can usually tell who we are talking too, don't ask me how because I have yet to figure that one out.

He orders his own food in restaurants, complete with Sprite and water. That just cracks most of the waitstaff up that he orders for himself. It cracks me up too. He always asks everyone else eating what they are having. His favorite foods are chicken and french fries. He also likes steaks, hot dogs, sauteed mushrooms, rice, mashed potatoes, and almost any kind of peas. He likes most breakfast foods too. I have to keep cherry Pop Tarts in the car because that is what we eat on our commute in the mornings. He will usually eat a half one in the afternoons too.

He can play for hours with his toys. He loves his trains and cars. Just this past week he learned how to take apart his train tracks and put them back together, sometimes in a different pattern. He also loves our dog. He does aggravate her by chasing her with his wheelbarrel or throwing his balls at her or crawling around on the floor with her and disturbing her many naps. He was trying to hug her and love on her this morning and she kept getting away and I could hear him begging her to just please be still so I can love on you. It just makes me smile to hear him be sweet like that. He is sweet for the most part. Unless he is tired, then he can turn in to a little monster, but I will not go into that today. I just want to focus on the good.

He still will not give up his paci, but the time is drawing near that it is just going to disappear or suddenly get a hole in it or something. He amazes most people because even with his paci he talks better that some kids older than him. He still sleeps with us. Sometimes I really miss the days of just putting him in the bed and still having a little time for me, but I so enjoy snuggling with him and being able to watch him sleep. I love that I am the first face that he sees in the morning and he is the first face that I see. It just makes my day so wonderful when he rolls over and snuggles with me and says, "I love you Mommy". It also just melts all my cares away when we are lying in bed at night watching some movie trying to fall asleep and he wants me to hold him and snuggle him to me. It just makes everything in the world seem alright. He still gets excited everyday when I pick him up after work. I ring the doorbell and wait to hear him screaming Mommy, Mommy and hear his little feet running to the door.

Although he is growing and maturing fast, he will always be my little boy!

Labels: milestones, the babe

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Death really does come in threes

In the past 3 weeks I have lost 3 people in my life. I always thought that it was crazy when people said that death comes in threes, but in this case it was right on. On May 10th a former co-worker that I still kep in touch with had an aneurysm and she was alive, but we really were not sure how much alive she was. Her family really would not say for sure. I went to see her in the hospital, she was just sleeping, or in a coma really. She was always one of those women who were dressed to the nines with a matching purse and shoes for every outfit she had. She loved to shop! When I got married my thing that was borrowed were her shoes and they were a perfect match for my dress. She looked bad in the hospital, hooked up to all those tubes and she was on the ventilator. I don't usually go see people in the hospital when they are hooked up to all that stuff, it just freaks me out, but I just had to go see her. I went to see her a few times and I kept up with her prognosis from a few of our mutual friends. I went to see her on Thursday, May 15 and on the way there my cousin had texted me and told me that they had to move my Bigmama to hospice.

My Bigmama was my dad's mom. I spent a lot of time at her house growing up. My grandparents owned a farm and my cousin and I would help my Bigmama gather eggs in the afternoons. She kept everything going on that farm, she cooked 3 meals a day and made sure her family was taken care of. After my Grandaddy died 20 years ago, my youngest aunt took over the duty of caring for her and making sure that she had what she needed. Bigmama had a stroke about 8 years ago and lost the use of her right hand, but she learned to walk again and when she got out of the hospital she went to live with my aunt. She lived with my aunt for a year or so, but it just got to be too much, she needed more medical care than my aunt could give so she moved into an assisted living place. She loved it there. They had activities and played bingo. They had church on Sundays and special outings for the residents. Bigmama eventually got to the point that she needed a wheelchair all of the time, so my aunt got her one of those pwer chairs. That was always funny to everyone in the family because Bigmama never learned to drive, she never had a drivers license. She did run over a few of the other residents, but they always forgave her. She was such a sweet woman, she never complained and she loved having company. Before I had the babe, I would go and eat lunch with her at least once a week. Her health had been gradually declining over the past few months and she had to be moved from the assisted living home to a nursing home. She only stayed in the nursing home for a month. Her eyes had gotten so bad that my aunt had to take her wheelchair away because she could no longer see to drive it. She was moved to the hospice on early Thursday morning. I went to see her on Thursday night, but I never actually saw her, everyone kept saying how bad she looked and I just did not want to see her like that. She was on morphine and was in no pain. She never woke up once she got to the hospice. I sat on the porch for hours with my aunt and my family and just reminisced about the past. I got the call that Friday morning that she had died.

The next Wednesday my co-workers husband had a meeting with the doctors about his wife. The doctors recommended unplugging the ventilator, she had no brain activity and had made no improvements in the time that she was there. They unplugged her about 12:30 and she died at 12:50. I just still can't come to terms with this death. It is just so unreal. She was only 55. She was so filled with life, it is just so hard for me to believe that I will never talk to or see her again on this earth.

Last Wednesday morning my phone rang and it was my second cousin telling me that his mom had died on Tuesday. This is my great aunt that had alzheimers and had both of her feet amputated in the past year and my Granny had gone down to live with her. She lives an hour away from us. She had a urinary tract infection that turned septic and she died. This aunt was my favorite of my Granny's sisters. She was so funny. I went to visit her at least once a month when I was growing up. She had like 13 children and a ton of grandchildren. In the last few years her alzheimers had gotten so bad that she did not know anyone, even her own children. It just got so sad for me to go see her. She had gotten to the point that she could not eat, she was being fed through a syringe and she could not get out of bed. To me she had been gone a while, especially since she did not know anyone. She did not even know who she was. It was really sad, so I feel that she is truly in a better place. I guess all three of them are really.

Labels: Bigmama, death

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Happy Mother's Day

My little monster!

The center of the girl's attention!

All dressed up for church on Easter

Someone emailed this to me and I thought it was great and I wanted to share it with you all!

This is for the mothers who have sat up all night with sick toddlers in their arms,

wiping up barf laced with Oscar Mayer wieners and

cherry Kool-Aid saying, 'It's okay honey, Mommy's here.'

Who have sat in rocking chairs for hours on end

soothing crying babies who can't be comforted.

This is for all the mothers who show up at work with spit-up

in their hair and milk stains on their blouses and diapers in their purse.

For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween costumes.

And all the mothers who DON'T.

This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see.

And the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.

This is for the mothers whose priceless art collections are hanging on their refrigerator doors. And for all the mothers who froze their buns on metal bleachers at football or soccer games instead of watching from the warmth of their cars. And that when their kids asked, 'Did you see me, Mom?' they could say, 'Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world,' and mean it.

This is for all the mothers who yell at their kids in the grocery store and swat them

in despair when they stomp their feet and scream for ice cream before dinner.

And for all the mothers who count to ten instead, but realize how child abuse happens.

This is for all the mothers who sat down with their children

and explained all about making babies.

And for all the (grand)mothers who wanted to,

but just couldn't find the words.

This is for all the mothers who go hungry, so their children can eat.

For all the mothers who read 'Goodnight, Moon' twice a night for a year.

And then read it again, 'Just one more time.'

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie their shoelaces

before they started school.

And for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead.

This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook

and their daughters to sink a jump shot.

This is for every mother whose head turns automatically when a little voice calls 'Mom?' in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are at home -- or even away at college -- or have their own families.

This is for all the mothers who sent their kids to school with stomach aches,

assuring them they'd be just FINE once they got there,

only to get calls from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick them up.

Right away.

This is for mothers whose children have gone astray, who can't find the words to reach them. For all the mothers who bite their lips until they bleed when their 14 year olds dye their hair green.

For all the mothers of the victims of recent school shootings,

and the mothers of those who did the shooting.

For the mothers of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home from school, safely.

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to be peaceful,

and now pray they come home safely from a war.

What makes a good mother anyway?

Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips?

The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time?

Or is it in her heart?

Is it the ache she feels when she watches her son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the very first time?

The jolt that takes her from sleep to dread, from bed to crib at 2 A.M.

to put her hand on the back of a sleeping baby?

The panic, years later, that comes again at 2 A.M.

when she just wants to hear their key in the door

and know they are safe again in her home?

Or the need to flee from wherever she is and hug her child when she hears

news of a fire, a car accident, a child dying?

The emotions of motherhood are universal and so our thoughts

are for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation...

And for mature mothers learning to let go.

For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers.

Single mothers and married mothers.

Mothers with money, mothers without.

This is for you all. For all of us... Hang in there.

In the end we can only do the best we can.

Tell them every day that we love them.

And pray and never stop being a mother...

Happy Mother's Day!

Labels: Mother's Day, pics

Monday, April 21, 2008

Friendly, not really

I think there must be something wrong with me. What do you think? I don't have any friends, not really. I mean I have some acquaintances, some people that I see occasionally that I have known for a few years, but no friends. I have no one who knows or cares what is going on in my daily life. I have no one that I call when things go wrong or go right. I have my co-workers, but when we are away from work, we really don't see each other. Maybe I am just too busy for friends, or maybe everyone else is just too busy. I have often wondered if I am just not a friendly person, but I am. I joined this meet up thing to try to meet some people and find some other children for my son to play with, but really, I just did not click with anyone. My neighbor has a daughter just a couple of months older than my son, but she just doesn't seem to want to be friends. We exchange baked goodies every year at Christmas and we wave when we see each other outside, but that is about it. I think maybe it is harder for me because I am gone so long everyday to work and I am busy, but not too busy for a friend. Not too busy for coffee or a shopping trip or even a 10 minute phone call. Oh well, maybe it does just get harder to find and maintain friendships once we get older and have a family to take care of. I don't know what it is, but I know that I miss having friends.

Labels: friends